The other day, I turned on MTV just to see if there was a glimmer of hope some real Hip Hop music will magically appear. I was hoping that maybe the “right” person might actually be in position to bring back some authentic, down home Hip Hop music. Did I get that miracle from the offices at Times Square? Nope. It was the same ole crap done for the past 10 years. Just some wack ass, Sucker MC smeared all over the monitor. Don’t need to say who came on when all wack ass rappers suck the same anyways.
Moving right along.
Later, I switched on BET. Did I get a taste of that real Hip Hop music and culture? I mean it is Black Entertainment Television! Nope. There was still no sign of life. Just people grilling and showing off some of their leased vehicles and video vixens. Same mindless formula of chest beating and no skills. Just some guy who claims Hip Hop. Don’t need to pull the sheep’s clothing off to know it was another wack ass, Sucker MC.
Sorry, BET, real black people are waaay more cultured, artistic, intellectual, conscious, and talented to show that crap. Did I say BET? Oops! That’s right, you are not black-owned anymore! I meant Viacom; Luke Skywalker’s Father’s Master!
Next day.
Sucker Free Countdown was on. I said to myself,
“Self! Let’s test this oxymoron of video play-listing. C’mon Viacom! Show me some heart and culture! Prove to me you will not play any suckers at all!”
Viacom bowled their ball and it curved right into the gutter. Damn! A Sucker MC! They bowled again. It was steady for the first 8 bars of the song then all of a sudden…gutter ball! Damn! Another Sucker ass MC reared his blockhead.
Some crappy singer comes on next. Even though this video was not pretending to be Hip Hop, it was still mainstream Pop. Damn! It was a Sucker without the MC! Some non-singing, talentless pretty girl who will eventually be a spokesperson for a Cover Girl commercial. No need to bowl. It was going to the gutter anyways.
I have to tell you, Vipercom (uh, Viacom), Sucker Free Countdown is false advertising. Somebody better call their lawyer for the bad, mislabeled goods!
Word to the wise: Never get suckered into Sucker Free because it simply sucks like a tapeworm stuck to your colon’s wall.
So when I was done with my disappointed outing with music video, care of wishful expectations with the wrong predictable information, I called up my homeboy, GrandSinister Ice. My conversation with him was pure therapy. We hashed out what we love about Hip Hop music, great lyrics, rap groups, and DJs; especially the MC pillar of the Hip Hop culture. But what seemed troublesome is how the next generation of heads growing up today may think what they hear on radio and see on TV is actually Hip Hop music and culture.
So I concluded, the best way for the next generation of heads to learn on how to identify a real MC, rapper, or lyricist is to create an outline [ a list ] defining the characteristics of his reciprocal nemesis: a Sucker MC.
Yes! Let them first identify a wack ass rapper so when a real MC steps up to the mic they will confidently identify the difference [ like tasting a real Mexican burrito versus some tube-squirting piece of crap rolled up at Taco Bell ].
And now without further adieu! 25 Characteristics On How Your Favorite Rapper Might Be A Sucker MC!
- Limited Subject Matter. Says the same crap all the time. Very predictable and even cliche’.
- No consciousness, spirit, or heart. No soul. Always hollow and shallow content. Non-challenging lyrics. No creativity or display of wit.
- No conviction in delivery or in lyrics. Just mumbles or speaks rhymes with no personal connection to what is being said.
- Never crafts lyrics or flow to create his own identity. Sounds run of the mill due to lack of experimentation. 123, ABC preschool style like nursery rhymes.
- Limited vocabulary. Poor choice of words, thereby limited power of communication. Second grade reading level.
- Never writes lyrics to a beat or rhythm. Rhyme flow is offbeat, forced, and even sounds uncomfortable. Sloppy. May imitate other people’s flow.
- Never creates own lyrics at all due to having a ghost writer or bites rhymes from others.
- Punches in non-premeditated lyrics line for line in the recording studio; meanwhile brags that the rhymes flow off the dome as a freestyle.
- Does not acknowledge the other elemental pillars of Hip Hop culture. Never participates or affiliates with real cultural events and festivities.
- Never involves or affiliates a DJ in the studio or on a live set. Music often sounds non-DJ friendly.
- Unable to rock a mic with a live DJ back-spinning, cutting, and phasing. No skill to improvise the rhyme flow on live break beats.
- No history of the Hip Hop culture and its roots and inspirations. Never a student. No backbone, therefore always frontin’.
- Only makes lyrics and songs for self and image out of self delusion and false marketing. A liar.
- No transparency, integrity, substance, or character as an artist. Impersonal. Always a surface level personality.
- Can not perform without a hype man or entourage live. Never big enough as a Master of Ceremony to handle the duties alone or with other MCs as a crew.
- Too concerned with Popular culture and media attention. Sells ghetto-hood fantasies to the media and calls it keepin’ it real but neglects the original core audience and the streets. A walking stereotype. Mainstream dedicated and main street exaggerated.
- Delusional self-perception. A fat headed megalomaniac. Always needs reassurance due to lack of confidence and character. Needs attention and media coddling. Arrogant and selfish. A lime-light chaser. All Hollywood or South Beach glam. Even wears sunglasses at night and indoors for the cameras. Has a Diva complex.
- Always dodges real battling, and deflects by relating battling towards recording sales, popularity contests, awards, and Billboard chart rankings. Only has the courage to diss someone on YouTube, a blog, or to the media. Never battles lyric for lyric; style for style (i.e. Bridge Wars, LL and Moe Dee, Nas and Jay Z) because they really do not have any skills at all. They know if they tried they will lose in sales due to a deflated false image. Not thick skinned.
- Often disrespects and exploits women. A redundant misogynist image.
- Disrespectful to the hood, streets, and ghetto by exploiting it. Disrespectful to the hard working, common people who are from these places.
- Fake, piss-poor imitation of a true MC, lyricist, and rap artist. Just fast food compared to a home cooked meal.
- Studio puppet. Media token. Corporate clone. RIAA house slave. Committed to the Recording Industry and not the Music Industry. Never about artistry or craft. Follows Recording Industry trends as they happen like Auto-Tune.
- All about the money, material possessions, trendiness, and glamor. Never about the Hip Hop culture and its people.
- No talent. Just a good used car salesman pitching a Bentley with a Yugo engine. The Bob Vila of BS.
- And finally, the last characteristic of a Sucker MC (aka Wack Ass Rapper) is…They will read this list, or any other debate or criticism and get offended like a little school girl. They will be saying those cute little cliche’s like “you are just a hater” or “you are jealous.” Even going as far as “you are old” or “played out.” And my favorite latest response a Sucker MC will say is “we are the new Hip Hop” and “we are today’s Golden Age.”
Sure. The Golden Age of urban sellouts for the Blood Sucking Corporate Machine. A Wall Street chain gang, corporate “boy” working as a product for a hot market.
Take this as a warning, Sucka; when the suits are done with you, they will rip you off like an old condom and toss you away as a blurry memory of a one night stand with a farm animal. Game over.
And when that day comes ask yourself, “who’s played out now?”
Or ask Vanilla Ice!
