The 5 Worst “So Called” Hip Hop Movies Ever!

There are many films out there listed as Hip Hop movies just because it has an urban setting or a bunch of rappers  turn actors, but is that really a Hip Hop flick? Yes, you may hear some beats banging on the soundtrack during a police chase through the hood but you will see no culture on display! Does that qualify as a Hip Hop flick?

You better not think too hard on that answer.

Okay, you may see a film with a bunch of scantily-clad hood rats popping bottles of Cristal and strutting around a Bentley shining on chrome. And this flick may even have scenes with young males sagging their pants, calling each other that “acidic pet name” popularized by a slave master. And this film may also have lots of colorful name brand fashion; characters talking in exaggerate slang used out of absurd context of broken English; and an all-star list of popular rappers on the soundtrack, but when you add all of these Hollywood distortions up is that really a Hip Hop motion picture? Is that what we have defined and accepted the Hip Hop culture to be as one big friggin’ stereotypical novelty?

I do not think so.

A cow’s droppings dipped in a red sugary sweet glaze should not be confused with a candied apple. It is a turd. Before you take a bite you better recognize!

Go to the websites of Blockbuster, Netflix, or Amazon.com and type in the keywords “Hip Hop” and see what kind of trash you end up finding. You may drown in it! Watch BET movies and you will gag from it. Unfortunately, if you are ignorant to Hip Hop culture you will not feel a thing. Your delusion of what Hip Hop isn’t will passively allow you to assume the position that keeps a proctologist in business. You have been punked!

…And another one bites a turd.

However, this article is not listed as The 5 Worst Straight to DVD Hood Flicks That Wannabe Hip Hop Movies . That is not the topic of today. No. There are way more than 5 movies for that list! This is about the 5 worst films with cinematic release that tried to implement the elements and overtones of the Hip Hop culture but failed miserably. I truly mean these are extremely bad, lemon-sucking movies paying customers actually went to their local theaters to see!

We already know what the good to great Hip Hop movies are on many lists;  even with the bad Graff writing in Beat Street or fake turntablism by Omar Epps in the urban thriller, Juice. These movies still had solid intentions and kept us entertained!

A movie like The Disorderlies, starring The Fatboys, does not count because it was just a comedy gone really bad. Cool As Ice is not included either simply because Vanilla Ice is just a Pop Tart with no cultural flavor trying to behave like James Dean.

And yes, there is a piece of crap called Da Hip Hop Witch, however it does not make this list due to the fact it had nothing to do with the culture in any sensible capacity! I do not believe it was ever shown in theaters for that matter to qualify. A plot about rappers being stalked and killed by a witch in the projects? Who invested money into making that turd? I am thankful to not have seen that swollen bump full of yellow pus!

No. We are only sticking with the 5 worst movies ever that tried to implement the Hip Hop culture and elements to the masses. The worst part about this list is that two of them are sequels!

At Number 5 we have Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984). This was a very cheesy film with over the top brightly colored fashion by Cannon Films. The heroes in this story try to solve all of their woes and issues by dancing for the sake of dancing. The promotional tagline was “If you can’t beat the system…break it!” …Yeah, Right. This sequel was released a few months later after the success of Breakin’ with the main characters still intact. A bad 1980s movie with Lucinda Dickey as the main star. Who? Yes, my point exactly. It is that bad. Yes, Ice-T returned in this dud, too. Lifetime total gross to date: $15,101,131.

Next at Number 4 we have Honey (2003) starring Jessica Alba and Mekhi Phifer. Okay, we have another rags to riches feel good story about a dancer, wannabe Hip Hop music video choreographer, named Honey who wants to make it big…Blah Blah Blah…and there are kids she teaches Hip Hop dance to at an urban community center…Blah Blah Blah…it’s going to shut down…Blah Blah Blah…producer wants booty call – Honey says no – Honey gets fired – He got no Honey- She got no money – I feel like a dummy – I paid money – it ain’t funny – I feel crummy – I got a candy-coated turd hurting my tummy…oh, and Honey later saves the children….zzzzzzzzz. This movie just sucks. Lifetime total gross to date: $62,228,395.

House Party 3 (1994) arrives, at Number 3, like an old pissy mattress found bundled in an alley. Kid is getting married and Play wants to throw him a wild bachelor party. Play is also dabbling in the recording biz with a female rap group called Sex As A Weapon (TLC) that is intending to dump him. I do not remember much about this film, but I keep remembering a scene with a thick stripper shaking up things. This film was pushing Cali flavor, but the West Coast could not save this stupid movie. There was no reason to make this film at all. It was terrible. The only good thing was this movie was Bernie Mac‘s first major role while introducing Chris Tucker to the masses…And they had the nerve to make a made for TV sequel. Lifetime total gross to date:$19,281,235.

Our Number 2 ranked crappy movie is, Rappin’ (1985), starring Mario Van Peebles, Eriq La Salle, and Kadeem Hardison. Peebles plays Rappin’ Hood, an ex-convict trying to save his community from “The Man’s” urbanization project with wack rhymes and no money. The real plot to the movie is Rappin’ Hood plays Mario Van Peebles, a B-Rated Actor who wants to save his career by obliging “The Man’s” Hollywood urbanization project with wack rhymes and no money. There is not one good rhyme in this movie from the main characters. Let me put it this way, Rappin’ Hood’s lyrics would make Soulja Boy cringe. Even the grandmother in this movie is trying to spit. And when Rappin’ Hood’s whole crew performs a song together called “Snack Attack” you will blow chunks! That song would’ve even made Jeffrey Dahmer threw up!

This is just another bad movie by Cannon Films. Guess what? Ice-T appears in this flick, too, with Body Count lead guitarist, Ernie C. Also appearing are the Force MDs, and Lovebug Starski appears on the soundtrack.

Rappin’? Why did it have to happen? Lifetime total gross to date: $2,864,844.

And finally, the Number 1 worst “so called’ Hip Hop movie of all time is Body Rock (1984) starring Lorenzo “Lame Ass” Lamas. Lamas plays “Chilly D” a fake b-boy who is a member of a fake breakdance crew called the Body Rocks. Oh how cute. Chilly gets an offer to become a premier dancer at some upscale club with delusions of becoming a star. In reality, I do not know any b-boy who made it into stardom just by dancing for a luxury night club. How do you get paid more than a female stripper for some glittery club full of middle class morons. Somehow, in the mystical fantasies of Hollywood, Chilly D hits the big time and sells out on his family, friends, and the streets for money. Of course he has an epiphany and Judas returns back to his homies.

Awww. I fell all warm and tingly all over… from crashing off of the sugar buzz from that candy-coated turd.

You know what, this movie could have done better years later when Vanilla Ice hit the scene for the mainstream crowd. Unfortunately, the producers of this film ended up with the future star of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. The New York City Breakers appear in this flick, but I am very thankful Ice-T did not show up. 3 out of 5 strikes would be an awful stigma. He was probably busy rehearsing for his music video cameo in Joeski Love‘s, Pee Wee’s Dance. Lifetime total gross to date: $1,689,501.

And there you have it, The 5 Worst “So Called” Hip Hop Movies to ever grace the silver screen. I hope you feel as bad as I do if you have seen these bombs. I really hate it when movie producers treat Hip Hop as a novelty item as much as a thug story. Now excuse me while I go watch Wild Style for the umpteenth time.